The Resurrelection of Jesus

Hey, America.  It’s me. Jesus.  I’m talking through David Simon in order to deliver my message to you in a language that you can understand because when I was a kid, what was English?  Am I right?

Here’s the thing.  The way I operate is simple. I create challenges for you, not unlike the TV show Survivor, which, by endlessly having it renewed, is me creating yet another miracle.  Plus Mark Burnett pretty much prays around the clock.  My reward to him?  Look what he married.  You’re welcome. 

Now pay attention, which lately has not been your greatest asset.

I sent you Donald Trump, a man with no skills, no intelligence and no empathy who is a pathologically lying failure at every single thing that he has ever attempted.  

The only thing that he and I have in common is a holy father who is the real brains behind the operation, who naturally likes to bail people out.

I even had Trump collude with Satan over and over again, first in the guise of Roy Cohn, then Vladimir Putin, then Kim Jung Un just to make sure that he was as corruptible as possible.

It was all part of the plan, America.

The thing is none of you were supposed to believe in him.  

You were supposed to believe in me.  

Did you honestly not get the joke?  I don’t know, maybe you can’t hear me when you are rally screaming about locking up women, making fun of the handicapped and hurting and/or killing the members of the press, whose job is assured and protected by the Constitution.  

I hate to get all preachy with you guys because that is so not my style, but being that the election is tomorrow, I figured I would give you all a little refresher on how you are supposed to be living your lives.

1. To Serve is to be great:  Leadership is not about rulership.  It’s about serving others which should be SO rewarding that you will never lack for any good thing in your life.   
2. There is a cure for worry:  Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God.  Look at the sky.  The flowers.  If the world can exist in such beauty and splendor, there is nothing that you need to be concerned about.
3. Love Conquers All:   Including love thyself.   Love God. Love your neighbor.  Love your enemies. That includes caravans, Jews, Muslims, women, African Americans, Hispanic American, and LGBTQ people.  You can’t condemn them.  That is my job. Not yours, pal.  Look, sooner or later everyone gets recalled.  It’s all based on personal performance.
4. Follow the Golden Rule: Do unto others, remember?  And what do you get when you don’t apply that to your life?  Take a look at yourself America.  You are cannibalizing your own country because you don’t care about others.  Just yourself.
5. Ask for what you need: Ask and you will get.  Seek and you’ll find.  That does not mean that effort is not required.  I give you opportunities.  You have to do all the heavy lifting.  Those who don’t wind up impeached.
6. Judge Not:  That was vote for Kavanaugh because according to me, you should not pick on people, jump on their failures or criticize their faults especially during a congressional hearing.   Dude. Like beer, but love me.
7. Keep Your Word:  Again: really? Your President has lied to you THOUSANDS of times.  He lied about the tax cut.  He lied about health care.  He and whatever that is, that woman spokes thing in the White House,  are all meant to be a joke.  A joke, people!  You are SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THIS.  You are all putting me on the corner of Oy and Vey.
8. Forgive Others:  to free you from the disabling chains of unforgivness.   This is not about wrong or right but rather living a life of freedom.
9. Speak Good Words: when Trump said he had the best words, you were supposed to ROTFL.  I have the best words.  Me.  You wear a cross around your neck.  If he’s your God, then you would be wearing a Rolex Oyster watch around your throat.
10. Nothing is Impossible if you have Faith:  Which shall be delivered in a blue wave.   But it’s up to you to stop the GOP controlled voter fraud.  They do this ALL THE TIME.
11. Use it or Lose it:   This a newer one, which I came up with in the sixties.  This is about your own personal strength and convictions.  It’s just like a vote.  If you don’t tap into the system and use it, you lose, pal.  Big time.

I would love to hang around and spend more time with you.  I do want to thank all the NFL and MLB players and Grammy winners for pointing at me or giving me shout out as if I had something to do with their goals and successes.  Now in some ways, I did.  I told them how to live their lives and they got to enjoy all the rewards.

But they did ALL the work.  Just like you have to people.

I know you have questions about abortion and homosexual marriages.  But that is not my place to tell you what to do.  You are all going to interpret the Bible as you see fit which is often a huge problem. 

Hint: revisit #2.

My job is to show you a  path towards earning and utilizing a fulfilling, spiritual life.

From that, you should theoretically gain wisdom.  And yet zippers still get stuck, the end of packing tape always flattens and makes the whole roll useless, TV evangelists buy mansions and jet planes while too many of you starve and sleep in cars, pineapple still inexplicably shows up on pizzas, you actually think that the Mr. Pillow is pure magic even though it is nothing more than a sack full of packing peanuts and millions of you still think Trump is a man of God.

To emphasize the point, I also threw in Ted Cruz, Lindsay Graham, Oren Hatch, Chuck Grassley, Devon Nunes, Trey Gowdy and the stunningly duplicitous Mike Pence, who is the real boy erased plus every other member of the GOP who allowed you to slaughter your children with military grade weapons.

And what do you do?

Nothing.

Can I have an amen?