What Must Babies Think?

STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS LEAKED!

HUffington Post
01/29/17

Written By

David S. Simon

I was able to acquire a copy of the upcoming speech. Here it is:

Madame President, Vice Personal Pence, Ivanka, Jared, Eric, Don Jr, the one invited African American guy up there, happy bankers, rich guys from Goldmine Sex, the two porn actresses that I wanted to party with, the good people of Puerto Rico who will not be hearing this speech thanks to my astonishing lack of response, so they have no electricity but who needs it, right? It’s Puerto Rico. Home of the Sharks who killed the white guy in West Side Story which, can I say that was wrong? Is that allowed?

Oh. Shit. I forgot Melania and my other son both of who I call the First Lady and the Trump especially when I am eating spaghetti.

Barron, look at daddy. No here. Not over there. To the right. To the right. Now down. Not up. Down. Hellew? Would it kill you to not look like me at a briefing? We share that look. Right? Doesn’t he look just like me when I first wake up and have no idea where the hell I am?

Hey. We got a nice crowd tonight. Some balked that I was charging tickets but you do get 10% coupon for the spa at Mar-a-Lago.

I see Lindsay Graham sitting over there. Oh. I’m sorry. That’s Diane Feinstein.

Welcome the shithouse of representatives. Kidding. I can say that now, right?

Firstly, there was no collusion as I have never been to Collusia which I believe is in the middle east, yes? No? Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass where it is.

At this point, I’d like to bring up my wife to say a few words. C’mere honey. Get that tight little ass of yours up here.

Melania: Ve vill vin!

Is she not tremendous? Fantastic. Have you seen her naked? Jesus, I thought everyone has. Class all the way.

Okay. My accomplishments are staggering. I threw the winning pass at the end of the Minnesota game. That felt great. Did you see me do it? I had a helmet on. I have never been to Minnesota, which I believe is the name of a moccasin, is that right?

I signed how many bills? I believe it was, I don’t know, maybe two or three thousand. I’m like Derek Jeter with all the signing. Strangely the value of my signature has gone down so now with every signature sold online, you will get a shot of winning a sleepover with Melania as the grand prize in our new National Lottery. Her hometown of Slovonka, which would have been Barron’s name had he been a girl, had the same thing, which is how a guy like me was able to nail a hot chick like that.

Firstly, let me say that women wearing black to award shows: are you kidding me? Who died and left you in charge? It’s bleak. Not flattering at all. A woman especially in Hollywood, needs to, you know, sell it better. And what the hell are they all whining about? Reese Witherspoon, who maybe is the same size as Jeff Sessions, right? Boo hoo hoo. Let me tell you something God made couches for a reason. For casting, okay? You give a little, you get a little. That is the way of the world. It’s been going on for how long? And now you complain? Amazing.

Oprah. The only way she’ll get any votes if she promises everyone a car. Booth killed Lincoln and trust me the voting booth will kill Oprah. Her cabinet will be all those women from The View, which I call The Viewgina.

So, is everyone having a good time? Why do they not serve food here? Who comes to gathering just for the speeches, am I right? Hey Chuck Schumer. No. That’s what they should do. Chuck Schumer.

So, we had a pretty damn good year, right? Thank you. The Tax Bill. The full name was Hey Let’s Tax Bill, Bob, Joe, Jim and anyone who is middle class or poor. I was at a party that I threw at Mar-a-lago and let me tell you something, everyone who was there was very grateful to Trump. Very pleased with my performance. Especially the many wives of some of my closest friends who I have had the pleasure to serve, if you catch my drift. That is called payback. Learn from that Natalie Portman.

Shithole. Okay. I was actually still drunk from New Year’s and what I was doing was singing: “Shithole acquaintance be forgot and…whatever the rest of the words are!”

Let’s just go through my ta-dah list. Broads? Still a pain in the ass. Michael Wolfe: I’d like to have an open Mike night if you catch my drift. The Wall: makes me think of that great show Wall in the Family whose main character I have been compared to many, many times. We are currently looking at constructing an invisible one, which will go with my new clothing line, the Roman Emperor’s Clothes. It will be made with zero steel from China. Believe me.

Muslims? Gone. There are no more left in America. You’re welcome.

I am not a racist. I win races. That’s what I do. And if you win you can do anything you want. Say anything you want. This is the new normal, folks.

Fake news. Who reports it? Blacks and Jews. Would you trust your janitor or your accountant to tell you the news? I don’t think so. What is great about Fox and Friends is (A) All white (B) they speak directly to me through the camera (C) they feed my paranoia with conspiracy theories which I can then repeat and act upon instead of doing boring presidenting stuff.

What lies ahead? Lots and lots of them.

Coming soon: infrastructure rebuilding which will be built using companies that I have shares in. On the chopping block: Medicare, Social Security and any other free giveaway programs for people who are too goddamn lazy to get a goddamn job.

Guns? I’m working with Target stores to change the name to Moving Target stores which will only sell guns to the handicapped and mentally challenged so they can, well, go to town, trying to mow down any moving target from pre-school to colleges to small Southern churches. I do hear that the whole Sandy Hook never happened and that Gabby Giffords has been faking it. Sad.

Okay, the red light just went on so I have to wrap things. Up. Did you have a good time? Was I not terrific? Thank you so much.

Oh, Hillary.

Some people call me the Fool on the Hillary but there’s one thing: one of us is King and the other is gone, girl.
Look, I may have obstructed justice, shared sensitive intel with the Russian in the Ovaltine office, taken meetings with the Soviets before the election and not reported it to the FBI (even though they forewarned me about their interference weeks before). laundered money with the Russian mob, lied, cheated, avoided paying taxes, tried to bed porn stars, put us on the brink of nuclear war, supported Neo Nazis, called countries shitholes, insulted Native American Indians, shamed women, gotten away with not being indicted by 19 women who have accused me of sexual harassment, but hey: let me remind you of one thing:

I fucking won.

And God bless America.

The Christian one.