THE STATE OF THE UNION
01/31/18
Written By
David S. Simon
It’s a new morning in America! Oh. No. It has nothing whatsoever to do with last night’s State of the Union address. It’s just a point of fact.
It’s a literally a new day.
And yet absolutely nothing is different.
You see, we have been married to Trump for a year now and from the first day on, we immediately realized what we had gotten ourselves into and we are all crying on the phone to our imaginary mothers.
And in many ways we were wrong.
It has been far worse than we have imagined.
Last night, we were all inner raging, steel-eyed FLOTUS.
Foreign Policy has been replaced by Porn Policy and last night we were all dragged to our seats, just like she was (after arriving without him) and the best we could do, again like her, was put on a game face while our mutual national intestines formed into a rather intricate pretzel.
Now I have to admit my truth: I did not watch a second of that staggering parade of bullshit last night which made it singularly the most satisfying Trump moment ever. I won’t even listen to the lowlights.
Beyond the fact that I joined millions in boycotting the night, I know exactly what he said.
And none of it matters. Not one single prompter fed word.
We have all been forced into an arranged marriage with a White Househusband, our very own commander and cheat who well over a year ago, publicly confessed to being a gleeful sexual predator.
God knows what kind of Bush he thought he was talking to.
19 women have come forward to accuse him of sexual harassment and his main defense has been, beyond denial, it happened so long ago, why did they wait so long if it was true?
And just like that the #metoo movement was born to fucking tell President Harvey Weinstein Kevin Spacey Trump him why.
Thanks to the man whose pants are at half mast far more than the average American flag, he has not only accidentally triggered a reawakening of the feminist movement (which he probably thinks is a lap dance) but he has inspired women to empower themselves, run for office and take him down.
And that, motherfucker, is the real state of the union.
Last night was basically Halloween for the White House. Trump went as Prompter Reading Boy with Blue Tie and you could hardly see Stephen Miller’s lips move.
It’s THE PR night of the year and if one thing Trump does well, it's sell himself.
Last night was nothing more than a snake oil video for Trump University. The audience was stacked. The lighting and set were perfect. It was all perfectly staged.
And all Jerry Mahoney had to do was provide just the right level of child’s birthday party illusion so that it appeared that what he was actually speaking using his own words and his own voice.
I think I saw a picture of the Democrats and everyone was wearing this year’s hot designer clothes, Black by Reese Witherspoon, star of the appropriately named “Big Little Lies.”
So many millions of us were hoping for someone to yell out “You lie” but in Trump's case his answer would have been: Yeah, with Stormy Davis.”
Last night, for me, was a vacation from the likes of pearls before swine press secretary, Sarah Huckabee who seems to be a recent escapee from the latest Stephen King novel. I still can’t figure out why Trump went with that non-telegenic clown over some hot spokesperson like, well, Stormy Davis.
I don’t know about you, but if Stormy (who was named no doubt after the ultimate blowjob) talked, I would not miss one single press conference instead of having to endure the crooked eyebrow bullshit of Mrs. Gomer Pyle.
Last night, just like him, we were all wearing masks and playing pretend.
You know that Trump’s dessert was withheld for weeks until he agreed to follow every single King enforced rules of behavior.
Trump was no doubt tranquilized with whatever they give nervous horses right before the big race, with the promise of a winners wreath around his neck as soon as he passed the finish line.
We as a nation have been so brutalized, so beaten down by his over 2,000 annotated and collected bullshit lies, his treatment of women, his insults, his tweeting, his support of Neo Nazis, his sharing intel with Russians IN THE OVAL FUCKING OFFICE, his freeing of scumbags like Joe Arpaio, his support of Roy Moore, his calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas” to a group of about to be feted Native American Indians, PLUS all the blatant pre-election and post-election Russian related crimes (which have included the indictment of not one but THREE Trump White House staffers. Let me repeat: INDICTMENT) and you have yourself quite the Presidential portrait which will be symbolically hung by himself as he swings from the rope that he created.
Part of me believes that plenty went on without his knowledge because (A) He has a zero attention span, (B) he has no talent or natural ability especially when it comes to any kind of leadership (C) he has no vision (other than the one that comes with slathered on makeup (once fancied by the octogenarian Rose Marie) and hair that is professionally swirled like a shopping mall Cinnabon).
I’m sure his modus operandi is to tell people to do whatever it takes to get the job done (with the emphasis on whatever) while he stuffs his grotesque fat face with a steaming hunk of American pie, as he watches TV and shouts out the correct questions during Jeopardy one second after a contestant says it out loud.
His take away being, of course, is that he’s a genius.
And now we have to endure the GOP, which is just like this generation’s hot new brand of blatantly racist, whites only Christianity, beginning and ending with Devon Nunes, who have created their own “secret” memo which is full of lies and inaccuracies whose sole purpose is to slander a truly great American, Bob Mueller, a Republican who has faithfully served three American presidents, who is also a decorated war hero and the father of a special needs child.
The reason is obvious: to shut down the investigation of Trump by going after the integrity of the FBI and the DOJ.
The GOP all shop at the same store: Traitor Joes.
Can you imagine this happening during Watergate?
They are openly colluding with the President who colluded with the Soviet Union.
They are all obstructing the very same justice that Trump obstructed.
And exactly what you doing about it?
You are sitting back in your La-z-Boy and tuning into the State of the Union address.
You want to know the state of the union? Melania is fucked.
Yesterday alone Comrade Trump, despite the GOP lead house and Senate’s overwhelming vote, stopped the next wave of sanctions on the Soviet Union.
Why? If you have to ask, enjoy the next seven years, shithead.
And clean coal? President Obama to me, was Nat Clean Coal. Trump does not even know what clean coal is and what it would cost, IF it even worked.
It does not.
Ah, they call the wind my liar.
He touted infrastructure repair (which would no doubt involve construction companies that he has a vest interest in) while he still demands 25 billion dollars to wall in Mexico. Mexico! Yeah, that should put an end to all the terrorist activities that have been hatched in Mexico City.
How about we use that money to invest in Americans in need? How about we do something about the millions of Americans who are starving—-that included millions of children?
Personally I think that all the billions of dollars that comes pouring in to support candidates should be put in a special and not Deutsch bank and the ultimate contest should be how creative a candidate can be with that money to improve the greatest number of Americans instead of having to listen to commercials that they approved. Of course they approved them. They fucking made them.
Last night, if you came to the party expecting to be greeted by the new and improved man, then you are as big of a moron as he is.
Last night was a cosmetic stunt.
It gave us the return of The Apprentice-Emperor who has no clothes, other than the ones that are made by crippled four year olds in third world factories, which no doubt includes his crotch level red ties with Russia which acts like a “You are here” marker for stupid, gullible women.
And today all the talking heads and Wiley Wonk-ers on all the news networks will spend HOURS dissecting and examining “THE speech.”
Sadly and pathetically, this is fake news. The only kind that Trump thinks is real.
Far worse, it will get more time and focus than your average Kentucky school shooting, which is a state that is represented by that other great American, Mitch McConnell who, if he said anything about it, I somehow missed it but worse, he will make sure more and more innocent children die from bullet wounds to the head and heart.
What a great, great man. Yeah, but about that whole abortion thing.
The GOP only want living fetuses. They just prefer their children dead and buried.
What’s next? Get ready Medicare and Social Security. Despite the fact that WE pay for it out of OUR own pockets that did not stop the Bush GOP from stealing trillions from it, in order to pay for their based on lies and false intel war, that killed how many American men and women??
Ah, but Hillary should be locked up for her improper used of emails—-which she admitted to doing with no intent.
Perhaps she was just too busy doing her job instead of tweeting her ass like a mentally challenged idiot.
And would someone explain to me how Trump, who famously arrives late and is in bed by 6:30, has so much time to sit and plan out the death of Mueller with his lawyers? I feel like that is all he does 24/7. Then again when shit is coming at you from all sides, you do spend all your time, like Lenny Bruce, obsessed with your tormentors.
The bottom line: wake the fuck up America and stop wishing for happy endings like the nation of hopeful children that we way too often hope to be.
The man behind the curtain, that was no doubt made by cheap slave labor in blind women in China, despite what around 30% believe, is not a Wizard.
And he is most definitely not a president.
I don’t know about you, but I have become the Marvelous Mrs. Maisel who got tossed out of her cozy little world, suddenly realizes that she has been abused and neglected and finds herself, by circumstance, improbably, thrust into the glare of the spotlight on centerstage, where she has no choice but to rant, mostly with humor, as she goes through the painful but ultimately inspiring journey to discovering who she really is and what she is really capable of doing.
Join me. Get angry. Put on the pink hat. And just don’t rally once a year.
Take the streets how and every single day and end this fucking National Nightmare once and for all.
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