WE ARE ALL MRS. DONALD TRUMP

In this week where we find ourselves trapped in a long-term marriage with the Dishonorable Brett Kavanaugh, given away by Mitch McConnell who is the father of the bribe, the truth is we are already married.

We are, each and every one of us, FLOTUS. You heard me right. We are all Mrs. Donald Trump. We made our bed and now he lies in it. Over and over and over again.

We were all forced into this union on Election Eve, sent directly to him fittingly like a Russian mail order bride, and now we have no choice but to live with it while resisting the temptation to end it all by bludgeoning ourselves repeatedly with a large bottle of Stolichnaya which actually means “Justifiable suicide” in Russian (which is why it is so damn popular there).

Being the collective Mrs. Donald Trump is no different than being Mrs. Kim Jung Un, Mrs. Vladimir Putin or Mrs. Beelzebub “Bub” Satan.

With our acceptance of the big carat rock comes our obligation to adhere to the marriage contract which clearly stipulates that we are all willing to submit to a totalitarian union where our hubby is King and we are the equivalent of a toddler’s pull toy, like a duck, which does little more than quack like a mindless idiot as it is yanked in any direction.

Given that we know exactly what we married, we are not allowed to complain or even contemplate ending the marriage because of direct via tweet-threats from our husband. But there are all kinds of rewards built in, like living in a nice White House, which was built on the backs of slaves, which, is thematic being that our hubby stiffed hundreds of day laborers for decades.

Laura Ingraham, another Mrs. Donald Trump, said on Fox that anyone who is not caucasian is destroying America.

On the very same day, a secret recording by Mrs. Devon Nunes Trump, during a private GOP fundraiser, suggested that being that the President is a criminal, there is no one but the GOP to protect him. Forget Alicia Florrick. Devon is The good wife.

Other reasons to stay married: your parents get a giant leap jump to the front of the green card line, granting them instant citizenship, while King Husband creates a generation of PTSD suffering Mexican children who have been traumatized by being separated for endless months from their mommies and daddies.

No person of color will ever get to marry Donald Trump because he does not believe in interracial unions of any kind because that is what his hi ho, hi ho mental dwarf dancing followers, en route to the edge of the No Affordable Healthcare, no Social Security and no Medicare cliff, believe.

Hate is the new black. And Muslim. And Jew. And Hispanic. And gay. And any member of the press who dares to criticize the King. After all, most of Trump’s most loyal brides, especially in the rural south, shop at Bloodbath and Beyond where even the mentally ill can buy all the bumper stocks and AR-15s they want to kill all the right to life children they want.

I'm sure eventually even NASA missions won't be allowed to be aborted.

These are the beast of times and like most of Harvey Weinstein’s dates, we have no choice, for now, but to lie down and take it.

But if you can’t and you want to investigate the possibility of a legal separation, one of the top divorce lawyers in town is the law office of Mueller and Rosenstein, who are really great at uncovering marital dirt.

The one good thing about being married to a predictable, stupid animal, who subsists on lies and cowardly vengeance whose fake myth success has been totally exposed by the succeeding New York Times, is that you really don’t need any kind of genius Private Eye to tell you what you already know.

Because, like most serially cheating husbands, Trump leaves a mind-boggling sloppy trail of evidence for the entire world to see. Every. Single. Day.

Not being anywhere as crafty or intelligent as say, Richard Nixon, and by not surrounding himself with other like-minded thugs, like Dick did, especially while cowering behind the walls of his golf-themed Bedminster based self-amusement park, Trumps tends to let his paranoia filled emotions get the best of him and that’s when the out of control “stay tuned” tweets begin to fly.

Trump’s missteps become as easy to find and collect as the beach shells that lie just beneath your feet.

All that is required to fill up your pail to the brim is a casual walk on the beach. You can also get yourself a metal detector in search of coins. In other words: just follow the money.

All roads as we already know, lead to Deutsche Bank, where the Soviets launder all their dirty rubbles, which became the only lending institution in the known universe that would inexplicably give Trump money, which Prince Eric, who is a chip off the old dumb rock, has publicly bragged about.

Thematically, Trump’s hourglass is quickly running out of sand and the end of our marriage is almost within our reach.

But it is not going to be easy, because the one thing that the cheating husband fears the most is being found out and worse, caught and he will do whatever is necessary to conceal his crimes.

But the minute that you get found out, you and your appendage shrivels up until, well, you are as close to being a woman as you will ever be.

And nothing is more threatening to a guy like Trump than to have to deal straight on with the realities of his own reality. Being vulnerable is unthinkable which is why he turns his cowardly white underbelly orange.

You see, that is why women are the stronger sex.

They deal with all their emotions ALL of the time. Which is why your better half, Donald, early on turned to a self-loathing homosexual in Roy Cohn, to be his mentor, who believed that the secret to ultimate power was stomping to death anyone who gets in your way, like Lucy in a vat of grapes.

So for now, it’s probably best to take a lead from the other FLOTUS, Melania, who has, of late, begun to show her true spirit, by contradicting what her husband says and going as far away from his as she possibily can.

More women are running for office than in any time in American History and that says to this evolved man writer, that my Yankee baseball cap can be comfortably switched with my Pink knit hat.

A pink and blue wave is coming. Like the one in the ocean, at the very same beach where all the shells lie.

Our husband, Donald Trump, may think that he can get away with shell companies and shell games, but we are getting smarter and more reactionary every single day.

There is just so much abuse we are willing to take.

One thing that Trump and his kind will never search for is intelligent wife in the universe.

May divorce be with you,.