DONALD AND MELANIA TO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING

An audiotape of a marriage counseling session between FLOTUS and POTUS has been leaked.   Here is a sample of what was recorded.

Dr. Phil:  Well I think this is just great that you two have made the decision to finally do something about your marriage.  I’m sure that you both have a lot to say.  Who would like to go first?

Donald;  Me.  I would love to go first, but you locked the door.

Melania:  Sovražim prasca! Oprost! Prezri njega!

Donald:  You see?  This right here is why we can’t communicate.  Learn to speak English, Andy Kaufman!   

Melania: Nisem Andy Kaufman!  In prepričan sem, da ne želim biti gospe Donald Fucking Trump

Dr. Phil:  Okay yes, she definitely has a little Latka going on there.

Melania: Thank you, very much.

Dr. Phil:  Donald it seems to me that you have been less than faithful to your wife …wives…over the last thirty years or so.

Donald:  That is not true.  That is a fake diagnosis.   I mean what the hell is faith anyway?   It’s just like all those religious nut jobs out there who believe anything I say…(laughing) Can you believe I’m getting away with his shit? (More laughter)  All I can say is that in those terms, like religion or whatever, I have always been faithful to all my wives simply because I believe that they exist.

Dr. Phil:  So…the fact that you have lied and cheated, slept with porn stars and Playboy centerfolds and God knows who else, is acceptable behavior to you?

Donald:  Look, I’m rich, okay?  And very famous. This is what I’ve taught my kids.  There is the extreme have-nots and us.  

Dr. Phil: Meaning?

Donald:  You take. You do. You grab. You claim ownership of anything you want.  You never pay anyone a salary.  You game the system.  You accrue tremendous debt at the expense of thousands of innocent people so you can write it all off, you tell everyone that you are the best at what you do, get them to believe it, and bang: Mar-A-Lago. Can I take off my pants? It’s hot as hell in here.  My father always did that at weddings. Why? Because he was rich.

Dr. Phil:  Melania, please walk away from the window!  You cannot open it, Melania!  It is locked from the outside.  Please return to your seat.  Good.  Now.  I want you to look Donald directly into his eyes and say the very first thing that comes to you.

Melania:  Kill me. Please. I am begging you.

Donald:  That is exactly what she said during our wedding ceremony.  A terrific sense of humor.  She’s actually doing a fantastic job.

Dr. Phil: Wait.  This is a job?  Being Mrs. Donald Trump is work?

Melania:  Like Slovenian baby nurse in crazy house.

Dr. Phil:  Does he pay you?

Donald: (Laughing) Pay. That’s good. Pay.  Heh heh heh.  Now explain to me why, and I mean this sincerely,  why I work in a town that Denzel or Kerry could easily, easily say was named after them.  Or Irving Washington. 

Dr. Phil:  I’m sorry, who?

Donald:  Irving Washington the Jewish writer who wrote the whole headless horseman thing.  (The phone rings)  Whoops. Sorry. I have to take this.  It’s the Pentagon calling. (In hushed tones) Hi baby…no. I can’t talk…uh…GENERAL MILLS….can you rub your feet against the phone?  Oh daddy likey.  Thank you for calling, Admiral.

Melania:  I vant divorce.

Donald:  Forget that.  She’s been saying that for how many years?

Melania: (Bursting into tears) Since Honeymoon!  Without hair and makeup he looks just like Boštjan Hladnik!

Dr. Phil:  I”m sorry, who?

Donald: Oh it’s some Yugoslavian actor from a long time ago whose nickname was Horrible Naked Toddler Man.   He played child parts until he was in his late eighties.

Melania:  If you poison me, I vill buy you a car.  You like Chevy? Ooh You look so hot behind wheel of that. (Whispering: I’m begging you).

Dr. Phil:  Donald can you tell me what you like about Melania?

Donald: Like? What’s not to like?  She has seven toes on each foot, which cracks everyone up at parties when she was little she wanted to be the Marlboro Man, she collects wood shavings from high school shop classes and she is probably the only grown-up woman in Manhattan who skips on a regular basis.  In Slovenia, spin classes have no bikes because of, you know, cost.  So everyone just…spins. In circles, until they get dizzy or just pass out. It’s the craziest damn thing. They tried to get that into the Olympics.

Dr. Phil: And Melania.  Can you tell me what you like about Donald?

Melania:   HIs fat, which is EVERYWHERE, remind Melania of Prekmurska gibanica—which is cake that is famous for it wiggles on the plate even if you don’t touch it.   And. That’s it.

Dr. Phil:  Well frankly I don’t see how this marriage can go on.  Can you?

Donald:  First of all, thanks to me, Melania was voted best-dressed woman three times in a row at different natural disaster sites. Did you see her in Louisiana in those heels? The collar up? Damn girl, I wish I could speak rap like Ari Melber, because words can’t express.  Oh. I also like that she lets me go first up the stairs of Air Force One, especially if it’s raining.   She loves that I get the umbrella, right honey?  And then the kid follows. He’s a strange one that one.  He wants to change his name.  I said, “To what? Bill? Steve?” And he said, ‘No, Epstein.”  He’s doing fantastic by the way.  I went to the Parent-Teacher meeting, you know, at his school and you would not believe the goddamn piece of ass that is teaching him.  Jesus, when I went to school the teachers looked like guys and smelled like beer.,

Dr. Phil: Well our time is up.  Will you be coming back?

Donald: Yes, but with Michael Cohen. Suddenly he’s not talking to me.  What the hell, right?  I’m with him far longer than with her. And she and I obviously have a fantastic marriage.  I mean that is all you have been saying since I got here.

Dr. Phil: No. Wait. What did you GP actually say after your physical?

Donald: Well what actually came out of his mouth, which I dismissed immediately, was “My God, that reminded me of the year I interned at a Veterinary Hospital  and had to help a cow give birth.”  Which I took as a joke, because what he meant to say and eventually did, when we threatened to kill his entire family, was, you know, the whole thing about me having God-given genes.  I look good, right?  You know what color I actually am underneath all this makeup?  No. I’m asking, Because it’s been so long, I honest to Christ can’t remember.

Dr. Phil:  No! Melania! Take that pillow away from your face! Stop her!  She’s trying to suffocate herself!

Donald:  Or as we at the White House, call Tuesday.  Thank you, doctor.

Dr. Phil:  I.

Donald: You’ll send us a bill?  Like it’ll ever get paid.

We hear the sound of a body hit the floor with a THUD.

Donald:  Just walk over her. This is what she does after the Secret Service tackles her on the front lawn every time she tries to escape.   Hey…while she’s out, you know anyone,  who’s into Presidents?   I mean with Hope Hicks gone, who used to do the hula for me, doing the whole ukulele thing, all I got left is Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee who I swear to God at just the right angle looks exactly like Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein.  You have to look away or she screams at you for staring with your mouth open.  Okay, you grab one ankle, I’ll grab the other and we’ll drag her to the limo.

#TRUMP
#MELANIA
#MICHAEL COHEN