MICHAEL COHEN TAPES LEAKED!

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The Hollywood Rage Page was able to access a few taped conversations between Attorney/Fixer Michael Cohen and Trump.   Here are a few excerpts:


DT:  Mike?
MC: Jesus, what the hell time is it?
DT:   Can you get me a monkey?
MC:  What?
DT:   I always wanted one.  Presidents always have pets.  I want a monkey.  I’m going to call him Dr. Lawrence M. Sapperstein.  I think I’ll make him an ophthalmologist.
MC:  Uh. Okay.  I’ll take care of it. Goodnight, Mr...
DT:    With a wardrobe.  Of little suits. Same as I wear.  So Dr. Sapperstein and I can walk the grounds together like he’s important.  Do they have to wear diapers?   You know I wear them overnight but they look like underpants.  If they didn’t make noise when you walk, no one would know.
MC:  Donald...
DT:   Oh...a few things that need fixing.  
MC:  Like what?
DT:   My marriage. Melania chased me through the White House with a polo mallet.   She kept screaming, “Hit the balls! Hit the balls!”
MC:  Fine.  I’ll talk to her in the...
DT:   Even the secret service is scared of her.  I tell them, “go watch Trump’s wife” and they either burst into tears like Ivanka when Cartier’s is closed or quit on the spot.
MC:  Donald...
DT:   Oh.  Find out if Steven Avenatti will represent me in the whole Trump Rusher thing.
MC:  What?  You want Stormy’s lawyer?
DT:   Absolutely.   If he had hair he’d look like Lance Armstrong, who I very much admire.  Remember Joe Palooka?
MC:  Uh, what?
DT:   My therapist thinks I had a mild crush on him as a child.  Can you fix that?
MC:  Sure. Okay, good...
DT:   Who do you think has bigger feet?  Me or Putin?  Guess.
MC:  Hold on I need to put a gun in my mouth.
DT:   Me!  Did you know I have the biggest feet than any other President in history?  Evidently, Benjamin Franklin wore a woman’s size 6. Very petite and dainty evidently. Speaking of which: the parade.
MC:  The parade?
DT:   On Veteran’s Day.  Melania wants to twirl. 
MC:  With batons?
DT:   No. Just twirl.  Like she does when I give her the pills that Bill Cosby gave me.
MC:  Fine.
DT:   The NRA wants their float to be made out of guns and roses.   Wayne LaPierre is going to sing songs from “Appetite for Destruction” and shoot people in the crowd as he passes.   
MC:  Okay. Well, I...
DT:   Oh. There’s a new hairspray that just came out, that keeps your hair from flapping like a panicking chicken at windy airports.  It’s called “Cover Up.”   Can you get me a few cans?
MC:  Sure.  
DT:   Can you get a LoJack for Barron?  He’s been sleepwalking again.  Twice: right out the back door.   Last night he got all the way to M Street until a Secret Service was able to tackle him.
MC:  Okay,.
DT:    Is Devon Nunes still on the payroll?
MC:   I made an offshore deposit this morning.
DT:    And Trey Gowdy? 
MC:   In the pocket.
DT:    Good. Good. Hey, having those two, who needs a monkey, right? 
MC:  Sure.
DT:   Mike.  Would you still take a bullet for me?
MC:  If it meant no more phone calls in the middle of the night? In a New York minute. Right to the head.
DT:   Can you believe Hawaiian shirts are making a come back?
MC:  (We hear the sound of muffled sobbing)
DT:   You know where all the bodies are buried, don’t you, Mikey?
MC:   I do.
DT:   Thank god for construction sites, right?
MC:  in your case, at least they were good for something.
DT:   You believe that my base is still loving Trump?   It’s like I’m married to them. I can lie, cheat, steal...and they keep coming back for more.  Somebody stop me!
MC:  Okay then, I...
DT:   You think that Bolton looks like the little guy from Monopoly?
MC:  Sure.
DT:   Put a top hat on him. Am I right?
MC:   Well it’s getting late and I…
DT:    You still have that baseball bat in your trunk?  What do you call it?
MC:   The consultant of swat.
DT:    I may need you to….you know…consult.
MC:   Done. Who am I playing?
DT?   Let’s not use names.  Let’s just say he looks a lot like Ron Rosenstein and leave it at that.
MC:   Fine.  I’ll hit the batting cage tomorrow.
DT:    Knock the yamulke right off the son of a bitch.
MC:   Which is just a colloquial saying in Israel.
DT:    I’m thinking of pardoning Jack Johnson.  I can’t believe he did what he did.  You listen to his music, the pancake song, and he seems like such a nice fella.   He’s like a surfer too right?
MC:   Goodnight Mr. Trump

DT:    Go, sleep, be well. I”m just going to keep on talking.  I’m thinking there should be you know, merchandise kiosks on the White House tour.  You know, with hats, bobblehead dolls and what have you.   The NRA has these little “I got shot” glasses which would be fun to sell.  Oh, I need highlight pens.  I’ve been re-reading Main Kampf and I went through an entire pack.  You know what he did when Nazis marched?  Nothing.  And the guy like won World War Two.  

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