THE ZUCKERBERG TESTIMONY

This week Facebook CEO (Confidential Extractor/Omnivore) paid a little visit to Congress to chat about how the personal information of over 87 million Americans got lobbed to Cambridge Analytica who then tossed it over to the Soviet Union who used that information to create the entire “Make America Great Again” campaign for the pre-indicted members of the Trump Campaign.

Here is a brief transcript of the discussion:

Representative Debbie Dingell:  I would like to begin by discussing Facebook’s use of different types of tracking software to follow customers' activities on millions of non-Facebook sites all over the web.

Zuckerman:  15 minutes to Wapner.

Dingell: I’m sorry?

Zuckerman:  I’m an excellent driver.

Dingell:  Can you explain to this committee how Facebook can learn almost anything about you by using artificial intelligence to analyze your behavior?

Zuckerman:  Boxer shorts. Kmart. 

Greg Walden:  I think it’s time to ask whether Facebook may have moved too fast and broken too many things.

Zuckerman:  That is an excellent question.  An excellent question.  My team will get back to you. Get back to you.  Wapner.  15 minutes.

Lindsey Graham:  It seems to me that Facebook is a virtual monopoly and that continued self-regulation is not the right answer when it comes to dealing with the abuses we have seen on Facebook.

Zuckerman:  That is an excellent question, Mrs. Graham.  An excellent question.   The answer is 5,478,943.  

Dingell:  Is Facebook too cavalier about sharing user data with outside organizations?

Zuckerman:   I started Facebook in my dorm room at Harvard.  My dorm room. Winklevoss.  

Marsha Blackburn: Who do you think owns an individual’s presence online?  Who owns their virtual you?  Is it you or them?

Zuckerman:  You have part of my attention.  You have the minimum amount.

Blackburn:  That’s a quote from the movie Social Network.

Zuckerman:  Mrs. Brown says that in London everyone is different, and that means anyone can fit in. I think she must be right - because although I don't look like anyone else, I really do feel at home. I'll never be like other people, but that's alright because I'm a bear. A bear called Paddington.

Blackburn:  From the movie of the same name.  What is happening here?

Zuckerman: Sticking smelly sneakers in the freezer is a great way to deodorize them since the smell-causing bacteria can’t survive the chill. Slip them into a pillowcase if you’re concerned about getting dirt in your freezer. Then, leave the shoes to freeze overnight. Defrost before wearing.

Dingell:  In 2016 a Missouri man with metastatic cancer filed suit against Facebook seeking civil-action status claiming that you violated his privacy by tracking his activities on cancer center websites outside of the social network and collecting details about his possible treatment options without his permission.

Zuckerman:  We persuaded a Federal court judge to dismiss it on the grounds that tracking users for ad-targeting purposes is standard business practice and one that our users agree to when signing up for our service.

Dingell: Well that man and two other plaintiffs are appealing the judge’s decision.

Zuckerman:  Which is why we have hired Michael Cohen to represent us in that case.   We have also sent a man named Luca Brasi to threaten the man in a parking lot while he carries his baby to the gym.

In my fantasy:  I take the microphone from one senator who is trying, at the moment to figure out the difference between Facebook and Twitter.  Even Lyndsay is a clueless Instagraham.

My white knuckle rage, inspires me to say:

David Steven Simon:  It seems to me that rather than acting as a responsible social network site, you are acting more like Vladimir Putin and his KGB thugs, spying and spreading fake news about tens of millions of easily targeted and naive Americans for personal gain.  You are not policing who you do business with.  Thanks to you, without so much as being regulated, you allowed a talentless, clueless, illiterate fool to become President of the United States by following the basic principals of fraud and deception. Today, facts and indisputable science mean nothing. Protecting our planet means nothing.  Medicare. Social Security.  Nothing. They are all targets thanks to you. The thrill of genuine accomplishment has been supplanted by the thrill of getting a “like” response on our Facebook page.  We demand rewards because we feel that we are entitled to them or worse because we feel that they have been stolen from us by  Mexican, Jews, Muslims and African American people.  Thanks to you, Neo Nazis have been allowed to roam our streets and spread the kind of long festering fascistic hate that is lives alive and well,  hidden behind the y’all come back now, cordiality of secretly intolerant and perpetually smiling like morticians white people who have turned Christianity into a form of depravity that despite that Jesus has bestowed onto them, have given them the God given right to bear military grade, automatic weapons which gives mentally ill white men, the freedom to assassinate school children as young as 6 with the same force and intent as killing ISIS in the battlefields of the Middle East.   You have given unlimited and influence to Fox News, Alex Jones, and the National Enquirer.  In other words, you have totally fucked us.  And your response, Mr. Zuckerberg is?

Zuckerman:  I started Facebook in my dorm room at Harvard.  Winklevoss.  

Again, in my fantasy, I leap at Zuckerberg in an attempt to either throttle or humanize him, but even in my fantasy, I get wrestled to the ground.  But as I am dragged out of the room, I free myself, stand on the table and say:

Just like the earlier bombing of Syria. your U.S. Government’s show off force and concern are not the roar of a lion, but rather the bleats of calves. The reality is, every single star in our flag and every single patriotic lapel pin, should be replaced by a dollar sign because that is what is behind every single decision that is made by every single member of the GOP.  That is every day Americans like you and me,  will never, ever personally benefit from anything that is done on our apparent behalf.  It is not about protecting us or even the world.  It is about making multinational corporations like Facebook rich beyond their wildest dreams.  It is about the Koch Brothers and Exxon and the Trump brand which doesn’t so much expand as it does slither around the world.

Facebook is the book that does what it wants with your without any  any consideration about whose lives get affected by their practices.  

They don’t simply do not care about you.  They never have.  They never will.

They are the perfect image of the new false Me-ssiahs and Profits of today’s America whose billions of zealots continue to enjoy their liberal offering of their technically enhanced Kool-Aid as they all wander aimlessly in the desert towards the ultimate reward which is nothing more than a taxed and overpriced room at the real Mirage hotel.

Zuckerberg, Trump and his rat-infested family,  have grabbed our universal genitalia  because they are rich, famous and therefore privileged and believe that they are entitle to a gold care form of immunity.

The land of the free it seems,  comes with an incredible cost.