THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING

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The new novel co-authored by Bill Clinton and James Paterson is about to be released and here is an exclusive excerpt.

THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING….

Talent
intelligence
empathy
vision
sensitivity
an attention span
experience
boundaries
morals
values
alibis that will hold up in the Mueller investigation
the sense to pretend that Putin is his enemy
the popular vote
a legitimate military deferment
billions of dollars
a reason why he should ever have appeared on the Forbes 400 list
a successful career in construction
perfect health thanks to incredible genetics
curiosity that isn’t pornographic
proof of payment to day laborers who he cheated
a legitimate University that didn’t scam the innocent
common sense, like not saying to Lester Holt on national television, before an audience of millions, that you fired James Comey because of Trump and this whole Rusher thing.  Or throwing paper towels to Puerto Rico hurricane victims.   Or having his wife show up in Louisiana right after another natural disaster, dressed like she’s going shopping at Cartiers as both of them pose with thumbs up photo op smiles.

THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING…

a conscience
actual religious faith
fetuses that he no doubt had aborted
a Presidential presence
a respect for the law
a respect for science
a respect for education
a base that can take a step back and realize that he has lied to them over and over and over again.
support in Washington by anyone who isn’t an obsequious stooge like Devon Nunes and Trey Gowdy who are doing his bidding.
a waistline
books that were read whose authors were not Adolph Hitler
a National Security Advisor who isn’t an unhinged, genocidal warmonger who is capable of creating nuclear havoc.
advisors with his ear who don’t appear on Fox and Friends
a day without violating his oath
a weekend at Mar-A-Lago where he doesn’t brag to his rich friends how much richer he made them.
an ego that would stop him from destroying every single one of President Obama’s accomplishments like a vindictive 13-year-old girl.
the thought that maybe he should not block Congress approved sanctions on the Soviets while he is under criminal investigation for conspiring with them.
the concept of how it looks when he meets with Russians in the oval office
the ability to spell words like “counsel” which only reveals his illiteracy
the thought that playing golf at Mar-A-Lago while a Parkland student is being buried just a few short miles away is spectacularly wrong.
the thought that playing golf at Mar-A-Lago on Martin Luther King’s birthday instead of doing something that is a form of observance (like every president before him) is spectacularly wrong.  And racist.
the thought that saying on the campaign trail that lavish state dinners are a waste of taxpayer money and speculating that the white house should serve hamburgers instead and then holding an ornate one is again: spectacularly wrong.
the thought that on the campaign trail he criticized President Obama’s total of three gold playing days and then bankrupting the Service Service thanks to his almost weekly golf playing weekends is…ah fuck it.  He’s an idiot.

THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING…

the ability to take criticism
the discipline to not tweet in response to that attack like a shattered 13-year-old girl 
the experience of having read the Constitution
An aversion to white supremacist hate-spewing racist Neo-Nazis
a wife’s hand that wants to touch his
normal children
the ability to speak with the survivors of Parkland in the Oval Office without a clearly visible and photo captured cheat sheet which reminds him to say:  “I hear you.”
A hairstyle that doesn’t trigger memories of Jayne Mansfield.
a day without pathologically lying over and over again
the ability to comprehend the concept of being in service
cabinet members who can do their jobs without destroying their departments, mutilating and poisoning the environment with previously banned toxins and therefore directly causing all forms of cancer in everyday, innocent American men, women, and children while lavishing millions on personal expenditures.
a Vice President who doesn’t pray for a cure for homosexuality whose private life has more swishes than an NBA playoff game.

THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING…

women who weren’t abused by him
a lawyer who represents a porn star who is not going to destroy his presidency in a deeply satisfying act of poetic justice.
a tie that doesn’t lead the eye directly to his crotch
Suits, that in an emergency, could house the poor
A day without slathered on makeup.
an attractive, skilled Press Secretary who doesn’t always look like it’s time to call the pigs in,  who doesn’t insult the country with her endless lies without an ounce of respect to the press, many of whom have risked their lives to get at the truth.
a filter that prevents him from insulting Elizabeth Warren by referring to her as “Pocahontas” in front of Native American war heroes.
the very concept that making a profit off the presidency is indecent, disrespectful and illegal.
A tax plan that actually helped the poor and middle class.
A lawyer who can no longer fix things for him.
Oh. Wait. He just hired Rudy Giuliani which is his way of flipping on Michael Cohen.


THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING…

a soul that would prevent DACA from ripping apart the lives of innocent people who, as opposed to him, are decent, hard workers who actually pay their taxes.
the understanding that the Wall is useless, especially since border violation is at a 45 year low.
the concept that spewing hate gives stupid people a license to cause great physical harm.
the discipline of a child when it comes to not looking directly at a solar eclipse.
High-end lawyers who will represent him because of his notorious reputation for paying no one.
A past that is not littered with dirty money laundering with Russians and endless other illegal transactions.
the video of him allegedly consorting with self-relieving prostitutes in a Soviet Hotel.

THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING…

The political savvy, class, compassion and natural ability of Bill Clinton

Oh.  THE PRESIDENT IS MISSING….






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