THE AFTERLIFE OF DIVORCE

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You want to date
You don’t want to date

Your kids want you to date…
Your kids do not want you to date

You hate your ex
You love your ex

Your life is your own
Your life is never your own

The minute you have a date your ex wife calls within five minutes with
plans that include you.

Your new girlfriend is exactly like your wife
Your next girlfriend is nothing like your wife.

Your ex wife is totally independent and does not need you.
She always needs money.

She tells you that you are generous.
She tells you that you are cheap.

Her friends love you.
His friends hate you.

Your kids take over your life.
You never see them.

You are alone on Thanksgiving and it feels sad.
You are all together on Christmas and it feels sad.

You have a tense dinner together and you can’t wait to leave.
You have a nice Sunday…and you wish you could stay.


You never miss a kid’s event
You always forget a kid’s event.

You never answer the phone because it might be him or her.
The rare times you answer: it IS him or her.

Your rules are not his rules.
His rules are not her rules.
You try to have the same rules.

When your kid is sick you love taking care of him.
When your kid is sick it’s totally inconvenient and it’s a huge pain in the
ass.

Your kids never repeat what you say about your spouse
Your kids tell your spouse everything you said.

You say what you mean.
You never mean what you say.

You press on, forging a new life.
You always dredge up the past.

She can still push your buttons
She still offers to sew your buttons

She looks older and you dream about the old her
She looks sexy and you dream about the new her

You are angry at her
She is angry at you.

You disagree about the past
You disagree about the future
And yet you can’t imagine parenting with anyone else.

You sometimes have a drink and think you could try again.
You sometimes have a drink and can’t imagine how you ever tried.


You are the easy parent.
You are the hard parent.

You say black.
She says black…and you are both stunned.

You are not in one picture in her house.
She is not in one picture in your house.
But in dresser drawers are hundreds of pictures of you all together.

She seeks your guidance.
She thinks you are wrong all the time.

She hears you clearly.
She has no idea what you’re saying.

She is a woman.
She is a girl.

You are a man
You are a boy.

You want to get married again.
You never want to get married again.

You have two completely different kids with different needs who treat you
differently.
Your kids go to different schools…with ten million different teacher’s
names.

Your kids act like kids
Your kids act like adults.

Their friends are squeaky clean, goofy and childish
Their friends have beards and tattoos and smell like sweat socks and
cigarettes.

At events like graduation, you barely speak
At events like graduation you exchange glances and feel like crying.

You love your independence
You wish you had someone to depend on.

You wish she wasn’t so damn dependent on you!

Your kids play you against each other, they want to stay with you,
They want to stay with her,
They get along at your house,
They fight like hell at
hers.

They tell you everything.
They tell her nothing.
They tell her everything!
They tell you nothing.

In other words…


                                                   You are still a family.

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