Written By
David S. Simon
Every child loves a parade and your current sitting President (when he isn't golfing, goofing off, throwing pricey per plate dinners for himself or having a quickie with a white house aide or porn star) really, really wants one and no one puts Baby in the corner office.
What is most fascinating is that just yesterday President Parade said that he wanted a shutdown which of course, would stop payment to the very military that he wants to celebrate. This, of course, is his way of acting like the Commander and Chief in our apparent ongoing war with Mexico.
In his declaration of war on Mexico, which also coincided with the official announcement of his candidacy, a day which will go down in infancy, Trump made it clear that the real threat to our country was not ISIS or terrorism. It was rapists, drug addicts and murderers of Mexico. That from Don Quixote Trump who builds the biggest windmills, believe me.
So how is the war effort doing? Well, one year in and I'm proud to say that we have not been invaded by Mexico. We have repelled their tanks and rockets. And surely we have wiped many of them out, by virtue of the fact that since the big-time tax cut, thousands of stores which employ the enemy will be closing across America (including Walgreens, The Gap, Toys R Us, Gymboree, Sears, Kmart and Sam's Club to name a few). Behind closed doors Trump does enjoy his daily Obama Pinata bashing which has become a morning ritual while wearing an enormous sombrero and talking like Looney Toons legend Speedy Gonzalez.
Ah, but the Parade.
When confronted by the fact that the parade will cost untold millions and the greatest military power in the world has never EVER felt the need to show off its strength because that is the provenance of power-mad dictators, Trumps' response was immediate. He said, "Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter. Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter. Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade."
A powerful response from a powerful leader. It should be mentioned that Trump's favorite old-timey actress was Slap You On The Fanny Brice.
As for the parade plans, Rage on the Page, has gotten hold a few of the ideas and doodles taken from Trump's illegals pad. Here are some of the ideas:
1. All cartoon balloons must have the name Donald: as in Duck, Daffy, Osmond, Ronald McDonald, Donald Corleone, and most importantly Don, Jr.
2. All the women I banged will be paraded out (or as he has referred to them in his confidential settlements "the more bang for your bucks. broads")
3. The Neo-Nazi float participants and there are some very good people there, should run over anyone in the crowd who boos them.
4. Note to self: anyone, and I mean anyone, anyone who does not cheer for me will be considered a traitor and sent to where I spent my summers as a child: the lack of concentration camps.
5. Melania has to be displayed on a huge, terrific, just terrific float because what she does best is wave (sadly and often in the wrong direction). Maybe she should be on the Puerto Rico float and throw paper towel rolls to the crowd. Back up idea: Melania naked, on a bear skin rug, holding a gun as the Aim First Lady.
6. Ivana wants a Tiffany float which is much better than the store owned by the ex-president, Jimmy Cartier who was a Democrat and just a horrible human being. I build hotels! Towers! And I pay NO ONE. Ha! He builds these tiny little ticky-tacky houses for the enemy! The Mexicans!
7. The NRA should have a massive float, everyone on board should be armed with military grade weapons so that they can shoot children in the crowd because that's what they do best without an ounce of regret. Idea: add Betsy DeVoss to be on it as she is doing to education what the NRA is doing to kids. A fantastic job.
8. Note to self: wear your uniform from military school, the one that makes you look like Captain Crunch. A hero!
9. What color should the Navy wear?
10. Melania wants to design all the uniforms for all our military. Her idea: T-shirts with Disney characters (LOVE IT), kilts, knee socks, propeller hats and Jimmy Choos.
11. The U.S.S.R. float: I have nothing to do with this float. I have never had anything to do with this float. No one asked. No one talked to them. Ever.
12. The Ron Rosenstein Float: get rid of it.
13. The Devon Nunes Float: He should be on his knees in a simulation of the Oval Office wearing the same leash and dog collar that he wears whenever I whistle. And that is why we are the first First Family not to have a dog. We have Nunes! Here boy!
14. The Jesus Float: can we get him? Be great if he can make an appearance at the very end of the parade, like Santa. All the shitheads will love it, believe me. Plus a great photo op for me.
15. Suggested music for the bands to play: "I'm Henry the VIII I Am," "We Are The Champions," "Leader of the Pack," and whatever the hell song the real star of The Sound of music, the young Nazi, sings.
16. The FBI Float: a huge Target from Target Stores. Huge.
17. The Bob Mueller Float: get rid of it, right after we get rid of the Ron Rosenstein float.
18. The Sarah Huckabee float: I hear she can twirl a mean baton (evidently that is what is behind her brain damage and her inability to control her right eyebrow or tell the truth) Let's stuff her into a sparkly Majorette outfit and call in whoever did the reconstruction on the Washington Monument to do her make-up.
19. The Apprentice Float; featuring everyone that I've fired on the show and in my administration. Make sure it is reinforced with steel, so it won't collapse.
20. The Michael Wolfe Float; I definitely want to see him float.
21. And finally: Every Nuclear Weapon in our Arsenal should be on full display and at the very end, instead of fireworks, we should set them all off as a show of what my leadership is all about.
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