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HAPPY PRESIDENTS DAY

It's President's Day but Trump has insisted that it be treated like any other day.

Here is his itinerary for Monday:


8:00AM:  Go back to sleep.

10:00AM:  Daily White House custodial staff gathering around the bed with morning cheer and confetti tossing.

10:15:  Hair staff arrives from Hooters.

10:30:  D.C. fire department arrives to hose on tan.

10:45:  Morning briefing/Lapdance performed by Hope Hicks. (Ivanka is out of town)

11:00:  Breakfast with Melania substitute dummy.  (He hasn't caught on yet!)

11:15:  Order Crisco for Don Jr's full body treatment

11:30:  See if Sam Giancarlo is available to take care of the whole Michael Wolff problem.

11:45:  Call O.J. to discuss next step in Mueller defense. So far per his suggestion, to accuse the accusers is working.   Evidence is going to mean nothing.  Your devout followers will support you no matter what. You will get away with murder. So smart. So smart.   Send O.J. a set of steak knives from the Trump collection.

12:00:  Send check to Sean Hannity from the non-bounce, post-election overflow fund.  Ask him to compare you to all the great presidents who are on Mt. Russiamore.

12:15:  Check to see if having a monkey for a pet will give him a bump in his ratings.

12:30:  Request a negative copy of Black Panther so everyone is white.

1:00:    Lunch with GOP leaders wearing Burger King mask and cape made from Oval office curtains. 

1:15:    Look into donating all of Steve Bannon's floor to ceiling left behind empties to the Museum of Bottles for write off.

1:30:    Call to NRA to discuss  new slogan, "Oh You're Going To Die Anyway." Discuss the possibility of arming all students K through 6.

2:00:   Check on all Trump properties to make sure no one is being paid. 

2:30:   Discuss new slogan for the campaign to cut Medicare,  "Oh, You're Going To Die Anyway."

3:00    Discuss cutting social security benefits with Paul Ryan.   See if some of that cash flow can somehow find its way to offshore accounts.

3:30:   Officially announce the newest coal industry/Trump business "The All Mines."  Idea:  everyone gets coal in their stockings for Christmas!

4:00:   Meet with special ed teacher about Eric.  He can't be in the fourth grade forever!

4:30:   Sit for the Presidential portrait with Melania dummy.   Time limit due to attention span issues: four minutes.

4:45:   Ban Mitch McConnell from the Oval if he continues to sing "My Old Kentucky Home" with his dentures on the bread plate.

5:00:   See about getting the same Beanie that the Pope wears, so the next time there is a gust of wind, it will keep his bald spot from being seen from the Mir Space Station.  The reflection almost made them crash.

5:15:   Discuss new fashion line,  "The Emperor Has No Clothes."   Consider sweatshop children doing runway.   Call Anna Wintour for input.

5:30:  Look into creating a bank for personal loans to be called Infidelity No Trust.

6:30 -  8:30  Write payoff checks.  Leave an extra six hours.

Whenever:   Blame the FBI for the shooting.  Re-sign bill to make it easier for the mentally ill to buy automatic weapons, which was one of Trump's very first accomplishments.  Ignore the fact that Russia funneled millions through the NRA to pay for his campaign.

Do laundry.   Add fabrication softner to the rubles.

Consider idea to put Sarah Huckaee into a Yoko Ono sack during press conferences.  In this case there would be a cover-up.

Read about the wife of James Madison, Ashley Madison who evidently liked to cheat.

Send a smiling, thumbs up picture of himself to all the survivors of Parkland just like his photo op.

Look into tearing down the school at Parkland to built a new Trump Tower/Retreat from gunfire.

Bedtime:  Tweet like a cheating husband who is forever having to justify himself.

Happy Presidents Day!





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