THE SIDE EFFECTS OF LOVE

In my mind the commercial would go something like this: 

A haunted-looking woman sits alone staring at the mournful rain through the windows of her bedroom sanctuary as an Announcer says:. 

"In 2018 one out of every one Americans will experience some form of inescapable loneliness."

We see a man standing in  a wide open field watching a sky full of  red balloons fly away at impossible speeds 

Announcer: 

"For years scientists have been working tirelessly to recreate the kind of passion that has driven both poets and heroes alike and now, finally, after centuries of failed experiments, and lowered expectations, the kind that comes within the first minute of any match.com date, we are proud to announce a breakthrough.

Introducing Neruda, the once a day pill that will  make you feel all the most powerful emotions  of love."

We see the balloons flying back to the man 

The woman is suddenly bathed in sunlight 

Announcer: "Within minutes of taking Neruda all those feelings of despair will simply melt away and you will find yourself falling in love with anything  or anyone you see or touch." 

We see the man erotically stroking his Keurig machine. Kissing and teasing a pod with his tongue.

The now drowsy-happy woman has spelled out the word love on a table with tampons. 

Announcer: "You will experience all of the rewards of love without having to deal with all the day to day restrictions and confrontations that accompany actual relationships."

We see the woman in a crowded elevator as the doors close. They reopen to reveal an orgy in progress.  The woman's finger hits PENTHOUSE and the doors close again. 

We see the man spinning in circles on a city street and then toss his beanie into the air. 

Announcer: "Love is always in the air when you are on Neruda."

We see a trench full of fighting soldiers. One of them takes his Neruda, which hits him immediately, he throws down his gun, walks out of the trench all the way to his terrorist-like enemy and plants an open mouth kiss on him. 

Announcer:  "Neruda is not for everyone.  Some people have reported sudden blunt force trauma due to partners who, despite their initial enthusiasm and willingness to have unbridled sex, declare that they do not want to be in a relationship, due to the ongoing effects of past Freudian neglect and/or rejection and the lifelong self-sabotage that comes with it.  Onset separation symptoms usually begin when the patent taking Neruda stupidly says " I love you" out loud.

Warning: Neruda has been known to severely color your judgment and temporary blindness, which can cause you to gloss over the myriad of behavior imperfections that are on public display while giving you the outsized confidence that you can easily live with all of them. It can also make you believe that all feelings of intoxicating love are mutual.  If your relationship does continue, in less than a year's time the effects of Neruda will wear off and you will be left with the stunning realization that you have compromised way too much and you are, in fact, living in hell.

Also reported are problems with concentration,  the return of Hallmark cards and unopened, Valentine's Day Hershey Kisses, bouquets of long-stemmed roses and occasionally a cheesecake from Juniors.

Less frequent side effects reported include the illusion that all of life's questions have been answered,  a disproportionate love for Jesus (and all Latin men who come with that name), heart palpitations, anxiety and the sudden fear that you are fat or old and love will suddenly disappear.

If you find yourself having an erection lasting more than a month or feel an inescapable urge to jump off the George Washington bridge, stop talking Neruda and call your doctor immediately unless you are dating or married to them. 

Neruda is not for anyone under 21 as the key ingredient in Neruda is the hormone-soaked sweat of teenagers and fantasies captured during a screening of 50 Shades of Grey Freed.

Do not suddenly stop taking Neruda as it is addictive and withdrawal symptoms include  the belief that you cannot live without it which will send you running back to the online dating services where you will force yourself to date women whose day jobs appear to be horseback riding, displaying unnatural amounts of affection to their undersized dogs who appear to be wearing outfits from Baby Gap while wearing large sombreros and drinking wine from glasses that characters from Alice in Wonderland blithely wave.  

There are natural alternatives to Neruda available to anyone who is willing to do the massive deconstruction, tear down soul work that is required to both give and receive love.

This involves a steady flow of reality, the willingness to be vulnerable, compassionate, selfless and to outwardly seek sometime who will endlessly challenge you to be a better man or woman.  You must be willing to accept the fact that all relationships are rodeos complete with the animal-like instincts to buck and throw you, the occasional electronic prodding of your testicles and the acceptance that sometimes you are the hold-on-tight-to-the-reins cowboy and sometimes you're the third-rate clown. 

Call now to see if you qualify for a 30 day supply of Neruda.

Smooth operators are standing by ready, willing and able to take your money 

Neruda:. The prescription for love in a pill that is more often than not, really hard to swallow.-