TRUMP'S OSCAR PICKS 2018

As President of everything, including the Academy of Arts and Sciences (which were two out of 8 subjects that I failed and STILL became POTUS) it is time for me to make my annual Oscar Picks.

BEST PICTURE  

GET OUT:   That is ironically what I say in my head whenever I see a black person, other than the white house servants who in my mind are singing Zippity-Doo-Dah and brushing buffing shoes just like the one we hired at Trump Tower.  Love the sentiment.

THE SHAPE OF WATER:   I have been told many times that I am the shape of water, inside a party balloon or a large cocktail weenie.   I make the same jiggle-wiggle sloshy noises when I walk.  When I first heard about it, I thought it was about Flint, Michigan.  So I will do what the GOP continues to do with Flint: ignore it.

CALL ME BY MY NAME:  A sex game which I enjoy tremendously.

DARKEST HOUR:   Why would I want to watch an entire movie that is set at midnight?  Pass.

LADY BIRD:   While I do enjoy women in cages, though I would NOT like to see Lyndon Johnson’s wife in one.  Pass.

PHANTOM THREAD:   Pull one and your goddamn sweater is ruined.  Pass.

THE POST:   What does this even mean?  Oh. If it means The President of Superior Talent, I’m in.

THREE BILLBOARDS OF SOMETHING, SOMETHING, SOMETHING:   If we can’t get the Wall, maybe we can get Billboards: three million of them built along the Mexico/U.S. Border.  We can advertise in Spanish on one side and English on the other.  Maybe they can ALL be billboards for the NRA!  I hear they already have them in Parkland, Florida.  A great start!

DUNKIRK: Finally!  A film about Yachts!  LOVED it.

MY PICK:  THREE BILLBOARDS!

BEST ACTOR

Timothy Something European that I cannot pronounce:   What is he French?  Canadian?   America First!

Daniel-Day Lewis:  He reminds me too much of the guy who played Lincoln.  Pass.

Daniel Kalyuuya:   I happen to love a Kalyuua on the rocks with a hit of espresso.   Who is this guy?  Pass.  Two Daniels are two too many.

Gary Oldman:   You could spell it Gray Oldman and it would be closer to me.  Was he in a movie?  Where was he?

Denzel Washington:  If the blacks have their way that is what they will rename our country’s capital. Pass.

My Pick:   Either Larry The Cable guy, who is just tremendous (A Kennedy Center honor is on the way buddy) or Al Pacino in “The Godfather.”

BEST ACTRESS

Meryl Streep:   Jesus does this woman just not go away?   Melania to my ears sounds EXACTLY like her, especially when she sings Abba songs like Waterloo.

Sally Hawkins:  As a kid in Military School I enjoyed Sally Hawkins Day very much.   Though I always felt bad for the cadet who had to dress like a woman which sadly one year, I had to be. 

Margot Robbie:  Finally a character who I  can relate to.  Collusion!  Conspiracies!  Really stupid people. Taking out your opponent by any means necessary.  I also had a mother like Tonya’s but my mother had a teacup monkey on her shoulder named Burt.

Saoirse Ronan:   The reason that I cover up my face with Elizabeth Arden Tanning Slather Goo is because I’m one of very few people who suffer from this skin condition.  Michael Jackson did too,   It makes you look like a twenty-something Irish girl.

FRANCES MCDORMAND: Why the hell do I care about France’s anything?

My pick:  Meryl Streep. Maybe if she FINALLY wins, she just go away.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

WILEM DAFOE:  Which is like saying Wilem DaConquerer.    The Florida Project is what I also call Mar A Lago.

WOODY HARRELSON:  The guy who is married to Soon Yi? Love that guy.  I dig the young asian chicks too. Woof!

RICHARD JENKINS:  Who the hell is that?   I had a lawyer named Richard Jenkins who I fired.  I also had a contractor

named Richard Jenkins who I fired. Is that the same guy? If so, I remember that he smelled like Aqua Velva and had the hands of Django Reinhardt.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER:  For what, The Sound of Music? How old is he?  In my mind, Kevin Spacey, who I hugely identify with, would have done a much better job.

SAM ROCKWELL: Now we’re talking.  I relate to him if only because we have both said  “fuck” on National TV.  A very sympathetic character.  Speaks his mind.  His mother to me was a combination of Sarah Sanders Huckabee and Kellyanne Conway. A beautiful woman in that film. Just tremendous.  Why wasn’t she nominated?  The Oscars are rigged! 

My Pick:  Hope Hicks because no one can support an actor like her.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

MARY J. BLIGE: I thought it was Mary J. Bling.  What movie was she in?  What? Mudbound?  Who the hell calls a movie Mudbound?  Wait. Is it about chicks wrestling?  Love it.  Though it makes me think of Omarosa.

ALLISON JANNEY: Another fantastic woman character.  I would put her on my short list for Sarah’s replacement.

LESLEY MANVILLE:  If it was up to me, I would change the name of America to Manville.  What was she in?  Phantom Thread? Who the hell wants to watch a film about a thread that you cannot see?

OCTAVIA SPENCER:  It so happens that I also take Octavia for ED.   They advertise it as all "The Help” you need.  

My Pick:  Ivanka.  Because she always does what she is told and knows all of her lines.  

Okay, that’s as far as I go.   

I will not be watching this fake show.  I will be watching Fox and Friends, though I am still wondering when the hell Michael J. will show up.  

By the way, I did see "Black Panther" which is about a white guy from the Department of Justice who looks A LOT like Jeff Sessions who visits a Shithole Country and saves the day.

By the way, I’m considering calling the front entrance of Trump Tower, The Gun Lobby, as the NRA pretty much will pay for that and anything else I want.

Good luck to Bruce Willis and the movie “Death Wish.” 

 It’s the best ad I’ve seen in years.

Oh. And after Parkland I do not like being called The Student Body President.   I have nothing but very sad respect for whoever lost their lives, which is why I honored one of them, while he was being buried, by playing golf just a few miles away.  

You're welcome.

#Oscars
#Academy Awards
#movies