BREAKING NEWS: TRUMP’S PRAYER MEETING PRAYERS LEAKED!

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The Hollywood Rage Page has gained exclusive access to Trump’s thoughts and prayers which he sent out during his last pretend/photo op prayer meeting in the Oval Office (with fellow people of God, Mike Pence, Betsy DeVos and Mike Pompeo) which was lead by Pastor Ralph Drollinger who believes homosexuality is “illegitimate,” women shouldn’t preach and has described Catholicism as a “false” religion.  Odds in Vegas are that the Pastor will end up being arrested in an Alabama Motel Six with a slow-witted, underage boy are almost dead even.

Here is a list of some of the thoughts and prayers:


  1. I wish that all the walls and desks of the world were made out of cheesecake.
  2. I pray that I win the Nobel Peace Prize and if I don’t I will beat the crap out of somebody.
  3. Please stop Melania from making growling and barking noises when I pass her in the hallway.  She bit me twice on the crotch (ow!).  She has incisors that are sharper than a pair of Ginzo knives. Oh. And please make her stop screaming, “Help me, Help me,” out the front window of her bedroom.  All. Day. All. Day.
  4. Please tell John Bolton that if he wore a top hat he would look exactly like the guy from the Monopoly game and when he yells, “war, war, war” during every god damn meeting until he passes out, it gets very old, very old. Believe me. Very old.
  5. Please forgive Mike Pence for his after-hours cross-dressing.  Melania doesn’t mind that he raids her closet.  She even says, “at least I’m around a real man.”
  6. I would like an extra finger on both hands because I would be able to count money faster.
  7. Please blow up everything else that Obama did because spending all my time doing it is getting exhausting.  He did so much!
  8. Please turn George Stephanopoulos into a lawn jockey.
  9. When Fox is on, please make them wave more at me. Maybe they could all pull their ears at the same time like Carol Burnett.  
  10. How old is Jane Fonda?
  11. Do they still make Ring Dings?  I still think about them.  A lot.
  12. Could you make barber shops less scary?  Horrible people.  Just horrible. And with scissors no less.  My first haircut?  They thought I had epilepsy.
  13. I’ve been thinking of asking Sarah Huckabee to stand at the pulpit backward, like her parents made her do in all the pictures of her growing up in the family photo album.  High school and College yearbooks too. Hey maybe we could get her a puppet like Jeff Dunham’s Achmed, so she could, you know, duck out of sight.  Amen.
  14. Could you like, just make the wall suddenly appear?  Ways to get rich off of them:  make racquetball mandatory in every border state.  Turn them into “rent this space” billboards, show movies on them or turn them into Borders Bookstores that only sell “Art of the Deal,” which you know, I confess, God, was totally written by Tony Schwartz who wanted to call it “Art of the Deli” because such a Jew.  But there are good Jews.  Like my Cohenheads: Michael and Roy.  How great was Roy?  Fantastic. Tremendous. My forever role model. Can I pray to where he is or no?  He visits me sometimes.  With Ethel Rosenberg.  They are married now.  Welcome to hell, right?  Oh. I'm thinking of pardoning Jared from Subway because (A) I miss him terribly and (B) he has the same name as my son in law, who is another Jew, who tricked my daughter into becoming one by promising that she would one day be Queens of Israel. 
  15. Could you make my hair and skin permanently blonde and pumpkin orange?  I spend more hours in the makeup and hair trailer than  Roddy McDowell getting turned into a monkey for “Planet of the Apes.”  Cornelius was my favorite monkey.  Who was yours?
  16. I have had had impure thoughts about Judge Judy.  Forget Ava Gardner.  Judy, Barefoot. In that robe?  Maybe singing, “Downtown” while doing some kind of interpretive dance? I have this ongoing dream where I’m in court, for a change and first I get an award for most number of appearances by a functioning mammal and suddenly I’m standing before you for all my crimes, which is a list that is WAY too long to get into now, and suddenly you disappear and are replaced by Judy who keeps yelling, “Guilty, guilty, guilty” and I wind up in prison with the Menendez Brothers and we wind up in one cell, playing Mah Jong together, drinking all the Paul Newman lemonade we want.  
  17. Is Howdy Doody dead?  
  18. Iran.  Now what?  
  19. Scott Pruitt.  I was kidding.  It’s a joke. Like Ben Carson and Rick Perry.  
  20. Please love and protect all the Neo-Nazis and Klansmen who are doing a fantastic job. They burn crosses and swastikas which (A) saves local heating bills and (B) also creates light, which you like personally invented and (C) they buy more “Make America Great Again” caps than anyone else.  Ka-Ching!
  21. Kim Jun Un.  Do I pet his boys and kiss him like Macron?  Lick him head to toe like Stormy?  I hear he is crazy for Valvoline and wants to own a franchise.  Do we get him a hat from there? We’re tossing an idea around that we get a bunch of like China Americans to gather in the Rose Garden and sing the Do-Re-Me song from Sound of Music and insert his name for some of the lyrics.  Evidently, he has a thing for the young Angela Cartwright, who reminds him of his first, second and fourteenth wives.
  22. Mueller and this whole Trump and Rusher thing.  I don’t want you to kill him.  But if you happen to, I would not strongly object.  Putin says I should bring a poison-tipped umbrella to the meeting if I have to go.  Evidently, this Novichok nerve agent is both effective and delicious.  It can also numb the penis and sadly, kill the most beautiful hookers in the world.
  23. Ron Rosenstein.  Maybe send him to see “The Band Visits” and he will die of boredom.   By the way, Bette is coming back to Hello Dolly.  Can you score me tickets? 
  24. The Micheal Cohen records.  And the Steele Dossier. Can you make them suddenly erupt into flames like a burning Bush or like the Mission Impossible tapes?
  25. I’m thinking of pardoning Martin Shkreli because what did he do that was so bad?  Hey, what Joe Arpaio did was a lot worst and I pardoned him.  In exchange, I would like the Wu Tang Clan album.  Also: who is Scooter Libby again?
  26. The Tax Bill. You will get your cut.
  27. Abortion. Jesus, how many little Trump fetuses have I personally sent to you?   Plus kids from Parkland.  Am I keeping you busy or what?   I should get a piece of the funeral business action.
  28. Thank you for making me, King.  I like wearing the Burger King crown in the office but shhhhhh.  It’s a secret.  No one knows that I’m king.  Just you.
  29. The Happy Meal.  Is the meal happy or am I supposed to be?  I am confused.
  30. Thank you for Devon Nunes and Trey Gowdy and all the other immoral, “patriotic” GOP guys who have my back.  They stopped their investigation because I commanded them to: just like you.  I told them to go after the FBI and they did.  Because I commanded them to.  Wait.  Maybe I’m God!  Shit, who needs you when I have me?


#TRUMP
#PRAYER
#CHURCH

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