MORE CLASSIC SITCOM REVIVALS ARE ON THE WAY!

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In the spirit of Roseanne, Will and Grace and Murphy Brown, a whole slew of resurrected classic sitcoms from the fifties, sixties, and seventies are coming your way and The Hollywood Rage Page was able to grab hold of a few scripts.  Here are a few excerpts:


THE HONEYMOONERS

Alice:  You voted for who, Ralph?
Ralph:  Trump, Alice.  I voted for Trump. Donald J.
Alice:   Why in the world would you do that, Ralph?
Ralph: Because I like him, okay, Alice?   He’s fat and he has a BIG MOUTH!
(Ed Norton comes barreling in)
Norton: Hey, there Deplorables.
Alice: Oh, hey Ed.
Ralph: So tell me, there, Norton old pal, did you vote?
Norton:  Of course I did.  I’m an American and that’s what Americans do.  We eat. We put on pants. We vote.   Not always in that particular order.
Ralph: So you voted for Hilary, am I right?
Norton: Are you kidding me? I went with Trump all the way.  Bing. Bing. Boom.
Ralph:  You did?
Norton: Of course I did.  He said he was going to drain the swamp.  Next thing you’ll know he’ll be doing the same thing
to the sewer and how easy will my life be then?


I LOVE LUCY

Lucy:  Ethel.  I’m so glad you’re here.  I need you to watch little Ricky so I can vote.
Ethel:  Oh, sure honey.  Who are you voting for?
Lucy:  Do you even have to ask, Ethel?  I’m voting for Trump.
Ethel: No kidding?  How do you figure?
Lucy:  Well, he’s very handsome.  And very rich.  And he treats his wife just like Ricky treats me.
Ethel:  And I treat Fred the way Hilary probably treats Bill behind closed doors!
Lucy:   And Trump repeats himself all the time.  Just like our show.  
Ethel:  And he screws up and says crazy things too.
Lucy:  Just like me!  And when he gets in trouble he cries.  Waaaaaaaaa!
Ethel:  Do you think Ricky can get us into the White House?
Lucy:  Hey, if Trump can get in, so can we!

ALL IN THE FAMILY

Mike:   There you are, sitting exactly where you were this morning. Still watching Fox News.
Archie: Hey, why shouldn’t I?  You want to hear the truth? You watch Fox News, meathead.   It’s a lesson of survival.
Mike: What the hell are you talking about?
Archie: It’s just like that there fairy tale, the Fox and the Hound.
Mike:   That was a Disney cartoon, Arch.
Archie: Yes it was. Which was based on a fairy tale about the second amendment!
Mike? What??? You are insane? It was a story about two unlikely friends, a red fox named Tod and a hound dog named Copper, who struggle to preserve their friendship despite their emerging instincts and the surrounding social pressures demanding them to be adversaries
Archie:  Shut up you. It was a movie about a hunter and his gun and his right to shoot animals like that there Fox, who was just asking for it because he’s a goddamn fox!  
Mike: You are insane!
Archie:  No! I voted for the right guy at the right time who will sit right there in the Ovaltine Office and do what it takes to make America Great again.
Mike:  He colluded with the Russians, Archie!  He obstructed justice!  He has been lying, cheating and stealing for his entire life.
Archie: Which is the American way!  How do you think we got America, which was rightfully ours, from the Indians?  By being all liberal commie polite and asking nicely for it? No. We pulled it right out from under them!  And we got it for a price  Like for 29 trinkets. And that is exactly how Trump does his deals.  Art indeed.
Mike: And what about Pence?  You’re okay with him?
Archie: Why not? He’s the president in charge of Vice.  That’s why he’s called The Vice President, Meathead.  He does that so Trump can keep his eye on the ball of everything else in a totally up and up moral way.  It gives him time to do things like pray and take are of white folks.
Mike: And what about black people Arch? Don’t they count?
Archie: Of course they count.  They count their unemployment checks and the number of weeks that they get to live off the dole which you and I are paying for. That is what’s called Blackmail.  Look it up. Merriam and Webster: they were white too. They got it.


HAPPY DAYS

Fonz:  Heyyyyy.  Sorry I’m late for dinner, Cunninghams.  I was out doing a door to door on my bike,  You know, my folks were immigrants from Italy.  I’m riding a Japanese motorcycle. And I love French movies: especially the sexy ones. Hey!
Mrs. C:  Who were you doing this for, Arthur?  Mash potatoes?
Fonz:  No. Hey. I wasn’t doing it for mash potatoes.  I was doing it for the local Democrat.  Who’s also a lady.
Richie:  Oh. I know her.  She’s a very attractive…candidate.
Fonz:   Whom I would not mind candidating. Hey!
Mr. C:  You know that you are eating at the table of a Republican family, right?
Fonz:   Which is why the portions are so conservative. Hey!
Mr. C:  No. Arthur.  We are fiscally responsible in this household.
Joanie: Which is just another way of saying cheap.
Mr. C:  I am not cheap, Joanie.
Joanie: My allowance is an IOU.
Mr. C:   When I was a boy I had to earn my allowance.  I chopped wood.  Carried water.
Fonz:   No disrespect, but’s that the way it was in the 1800s.  We are about to embark on a whole new frontier, where women are equals and work for equal pay. The Fonz digs that the most. Hey.
Mrs. C:  Well I agree with you, Arthur. It would be nice to get a little help from a certain someone around here who is not exactly
fiscally responsible when it comes to the dishes, the laundry…and (softly) initiating if you catch my drift.
Mr. C:  I am very amorous, Marion.  Hey, after all, I was always the Marion kind. (They kiss)
Fonz:  Whoa.  That is hotter than any French movie I ever saw.  If Mrs. C bleached her hair, dropped a few and wore tighter sweaters.
Joanie:  Hey!
Fonz:  Hey!
Richie:  Hey!
Fonz: Okay. Point taken.

MASH


B.J.  Hey, why so glum chum?
Hawkeye:  Well wouldn’t you be?  For the first time when it comes to women, my hands are tied.  It used to be the other way around.
B.J.  Tell me about it.  I’m getting flak for my name.
Hawkeye:  Plus here we are in 2018 and we’re still fighting with North Korea.  
B.J.  Well, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Hawkeye:  We can’t even call Hot Lips, Hot Lips anymore.  We have to go her Margaret. Or Houlihan.  Where is the funny in that?  Getting under women’s skin and sweaters are why I was put on this earth.  And to slurp and burp, sometimes at the same time, because after all, are we not men?
B.J. And Klinger gets to use both bathrooms now.
Hawkeye: Nice. He gets to and we don’t.
B.J.  Radar doesn’t think he’s gay. Because he has, you know, radar.
Hawkeye:  Pawing women is what I do best. Doctoring second. Drinking Third. No. Wait. It’s Drinking, then doctoring, just like in life. 
B.J. Did you hear that White House wants us to nuke the commies?  But not Putin. Putin he loves.
Hawkeye: Ah: Trump and Putin:  The real Marx Brothers.   You know what’s crazy?  We have saved how many Korean lives? Hundreds. And Trump?  He saved three. Three. 
B.J.  Hey did you perform the surgery on the first lady?
Hawkeye:  I did, yes.  She had to have her husband’s hand surgically removed from hers.  
B.J. I hear she was rushed to the hospital for marriage failure.
Hawkeye:  Hey, it was the first time they slept in separate beds since yesterday.
B.J.  And now she’s his kind of woman.   I hear he’s into the whole sedating world.
Hawkeye:  And what about Pence?  He’s even scarier.  He looks like Robert Shaw in “From Russia With Love.”   Same blonde hair. Same shaved body.  I hear he’s part of an organization that believes can cure homosexuality. 
B.J. Yeah, well his day of RoyCohening is coming.   




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