FULL TRANSCRIPT OF MICHAEL COHEN TAPE LEAKED!

The Hollywood Rage Page was able to acquire the unedited tape of the conversation between then-candidate Trump and his lawyer.  Here is an excerpt:

Trump:  Доброе утро.

Cohen: What?

Trump:  Меня зовут Donald.

Cohen:  Oh. You’re doing the whole Russian/Rosetta Stone thing.

Trump:  It’s fantastic.  I learned the entire language in fifteen minutes.  Now I have the best words in Russian. 

Cohen:  We need to set up the LLC  to arrange the payments.

Trump: Which payment is this now? There are so many, the head spins which, you know, sometimes exposes the whole totally bald in the back thing.  Airport wind should just go to hell,  Am I right?

Cohen: We’ll have to pay. To our friend David. 

Trump: I love that his last name is Pecker.  That should be my last name. Ha!  Hey, what do you think of the new skin tone?  It's called "NBA Basketball."   You like?  Oh. And my hair.  I saw a picture of Mitzi Gaynor in "South Pacific" and we took it from there.  Hey, did I tell you we're thinking of putting all those immigrant kids into factories?  The backorder of Make America Great caps is killing us.  I mean, it's no different than all those little handicapped Vietnamese kids we use to make the ties, right?  They get themselves one nice wage let me tell you.  Fifty cents an hour, one tie, which they can sell on the streets and a very nice bowl of some kind of rice substitute.  Hey, in Vietnam that's like winning the goddamn lottery.  Ivanka went there once.   I would have gone but I would lose my deferment.  You know what I did during the war?  I hid in a cabana in Capri.

Cohen: So the payment….

Trump:  Yeah. Pay with cash.

Cohen: No, no. Uh, (loudly) cash is Russian for check!   Isn’t that right?

Trump:  I have no idea.  I haven’t got that far.  I can say “Меня зовут, Donald. “ I mean, that’s all you need right?  Any moron could learn it.  Like all the idiots who show up at my rallies.

Cohen:  The Confederacy of Donces.

Trump:  I have no idea what that means.  But the truth is Mike, when they said anyone can grow up to be President, they weren’t kidding.  Remember Bingo the chimp from Abbot and Costello?  A wonderful actor.  Even he could get away with it.  He had a hat too, right? A monkey and a cap: boom you have a landslide. (Chuckling) candy from a baby—which when no one was looking I still swipe.  Got me a tootsie pop during the Special Olympics egg rolling thing during Easter that way.  

Cohen:  So we are paying The National Enquirer the second installment of hush money,  beyond the  $150,000 to Karen McDougal, 

Trump:  It’s all very confusing.

Cohen   What is?

Trump: Oh not to me.  To Barron.  I’m with so many different broads, he has no idea who mommy is.  I walk out of the bedroom with Stormy or Karen or a pair a 14-year-old Girl Scout named Isabelle and Kimberly and he runs up to them and asks if he can go on the computer.  You know what really makes me laugh?  The goddamn heavengelicals.  Suddenly I’m one of them.  Ha!  Me, who has paid for more abortions than the entire state of New York.

Cohen (Laughing) They had 153,160 abortions this year.

Trump: And half of them were mine!  And now Jesus is my best friend.  Ha! And they say I’m dumb.

Cohen: We also have to discuss The New York Times.  They want to unseal your divorce records with Ivana.

Trump:  Can you imagine if anyone ever saw those?   She talked about everything.  The whole dressing up like Marilyn thing.

Cohen:  She did?  

Trump: No I did.  She was dressed like Joe DiMaggio.  Number 5.  I loved it, but sometimes the cleats got in the way and tore the fuck out of the duvet.  Feathers everywhere.  To stir things up, I would stand in front of a floor fan and let my skirt, you know, billow up.  Then I would shimmy over to her singing, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President.”  Good times.  After sex,  we had Mr. Coffee. Did I tell you I walked in on Sarah Huckabee in the can?  For one split second, I thought that was Charles Laughton sitting there. (Shivering sounds).

Cohen: So are we good?

Trump: Hey, what’s not to like?  I’m just like O.J.  I”m a man of color who gets any with murder.  And you, Mikey, are my cute little Yid Johnny Cochran: it’s all about making up insane conspiracy theories, disqualifying facts, delegitimizing news, ignoring  science, lying, destroying anyone who criticizes me  and getting Fox to spread my bullshit like Skippy,  so that we can spoon feed all the millions and millions of gullible schmucks. This is what I do.  This s what I have always done.  This is what makes Trump, Trump.  It’s not about talent or ability or even experience.  That shit is for losers.  Winners get to the finish line by any means necessary.  That’s  Roy Cohen 101, who was the best teacher ever.  He taught me well.  You destroy people and literally hopscotch over their corpses in order to collect your reward.  That is a direct quote.  Feelings are for girls and cry babies.  He hated fags too.  Roy Cohen was the manliest man I have ever known. We would cuddle together in the Shvitz (which is also the name of Ivanka and Jarod’s youngest child) after a long day for law breaking, going through a check list of all the ethical and moral violations of the day, and man, we would just laugh and laugh and laugh.   Then we would knock back a bottle of Crystal, which I never paid for, I have stiffed every single liquor store in Manhattan, and at the end of every night, he would bow to me and call me, (starting to cry) King Donald and then he would literally get down on his knees and…and…wow, would you look at the time?   There’s a greasy bag from McDonalds sitting on my Oval Office desk with my name on it.  They scratch out the “Mc” so it just says, “Donalds.”  Good times.  

Cohen:   Okay.  I’m on it.   I love this.  All of it. I love being your consiglieri. I’m Tom fucking Hagen.  (Singing) “I’m a fool to do your dirty work….”

Both:  “Oh yeah!”

Cohen: So you will be paying me in Taxi Medallions, right?   The Russians collect them like troll dolls.

Trump:  Okay. Kiss the ring. (We hear a kiss sound).  Tell me I’m the best.

Cohen: You’re the best.

Trump: Tell me I’m pretty.

Cohen:  You are…adorable.  Perfect.

Trump: Come here, let me hold your face in my hands.  Look at those little fat baby cheeks: I could squeeze them for days. You sir, are  a scam artist, a cheater, a chiseler, and morally corrupt.     In other words: you are everything that a man could want in a lawyer.  Donald…out.