THE OFFICIAL CAMP CASUALTY NEWSLETTER

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Greetings from Camp Casualty (formerly Camp Womp-Womp) for fired and disgraced cabinet and staff members!  Let’s give a big Make America Great Again welcome to our newest camper, Scott Pruitt!* (*This newsletter was printed over two months ago).

Camp has been filled to capacity thanks to the fact that your ex-employer has had the most Cabinet-level staff turnovers than any other president in the past 100 years!  And he’s supposed to be creating jobs!  Ha!  The joke is on us!

Scott Free (his new nickname), will be our new in-house Nature Counselor,  so sign up soon for his Polluting the Lake class.  Canteens of previously banned toxic waste/carcinogens will be provided to all!  *You will have to use your non-reimbursable credit cards to sign up.  A Chic-fil-A lunch will be provided at a nominal cost by Mrs. Pruitt.

Scott’s wardrobe will just be perfect for the hot months ahead: tee shirts and scandals!

Here’s a quick update about some of our other campers!

Ty Cobb, one of the president’s top attorneys in the Mueller probe, just announced his newest exercise class:  Ambulance chasing.   If you feel like running, just make sure that you are staggeringly illiterate and incapable of doing your job and he will help you get away with it.

Rex Tillerson, the former Secretary of State,  has opened up his very own Rexxon Station right here on campus, whose specialty is head-on collisions, 
Conservative road rage and moral engine breakdowns.

Hope Hicks, one time White House communications director, is here to look pretty.  And she’s doing a great job!  She’s doing a makeup class which specializes in cover-ups.  A blemish on your career?  Poof, it’s gone!

Omarosa Manigault-Newman is here to “pursue other opportunities.”  Unfortunately, no opportunities have come her way as of yet.  Omarosa is the lady you see every night having imaginary conversations with White House staffers and world leaders who are recreated with colorful sock puppets.

Steven Bannon who has been trying to destroy the infrastructure of the camp ever since he got here, is back to writing screenplays which no one will ever produce while he tries to recruit the next willing idiot.  He has been seen having conversations already with Scott Pruitt.

When asked what he is up to, Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci simply said, “Go fuck yourself.”  

Reince Priebus was elected chief of staff here at Camp Casualty and fired ten minutes later.  

James Comey, the former director of the FBI, is teaching self-righteous Christianity Class which teaches that both he and God are always right.  You can email him on your private server, at Fbimalwaysright.com.  

Michael Flynn is selling men’s clothes in the Camp store.  HIs most popular item to date: red ties with Russia, often seen tied like a noose around the President’s neck.   The store hours are 8-5.  But evidently, that is not true.

Paul Manafort, the man with the matching double ankle bracelets is not allowed to leave his bunk.  Smoke signals in the form of letters of the Russian alphabet have been seen coming out of his chimney.

Sean Spicer the new drama counselor is readying his first production, “Bully Idiot,” which is about a  loud, pushy jerk who lies, distorts and exaggerates his way into a place in the Corps de Bully.

Sally Yates, H.R. McMaster (whose barracks are on the corner of Gruff and Condescending) and Preet Bharara are teaching a class on decency, strategy, and ethics.  No one has signed up yet, so we’re putting the word out!

Tom Price and Rob Porter have been hitting on Hope Hicks since she got here.

Former FBI deputy director Andy is hard at work shooting a new film for movie class to be called McCabe and Mr. Mueller which is a revisionist western about a man who faces a bully who is notorious for having people killed when they turn against him.

John McEntee was escorted off the campus after being asked to leave over unspecified security issues.

Brenda Fitzgerald, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, who resigned amid allegations of a conflict of interest after it was discovered that she had purchased shares in a tobacco company a month before assuming her job, is organizing the first off-campus trip to Hell.

Gambling night is coming!  This years only game: Russian Roulette.

White Collar War is coming! The Blue and The Red will see who can scream over each other like guests on the Bill Maher show.

Inter-Camp games scheduled!  We’ll be fighting it out the bail fields with campers from Camp Ponzi,  Camp Lompoc, and Camp Allenwood!

As usual, we will end the season with a giant bonfire, where campers will get to burn any incriminating records.

Rumors abound, we hear that we should be expecting a few more campers before year’s end so an early welcome to Devon Nunes, Trey Gowdy, John Bolton and (fingers crossed) the president and the entire Me First Family!

Finally, the theme for the end of camp sing (where everyone sings to the FBI) has been announced: it will be “Hindsight is 2020.”

















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