RUDY GIULIANI'S COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT TRUMP UNIVERSITY 2018

Rudy Giuliani, having not been informed that Trump University, which was forced to settle a huge, multi-million dollar lawsuit for fraud, had been shuttered, showed up at the main campus, the Trump Tower lobby,  to deliver this year’s commencement address.  In attendance were a janitor named Jesus and Bobby, the lobby guard.  Here is a transcript:

“President Trump esteemed members of the faculty, class of 2018,  it is my great honor to be the first to congratulate you on this very special day which also happens to be coincidently, the first day of Paul Manafort’s trial. (At this point a sandwich delivery guy enters the lobby and after a moment of confusion, hands Mr. Giuliani a grease-stained brown bag with his order of an egg sandwich and a diet Fresca, which Mr. Giuliani at first denies having ordered, then remembers and then blames the eggs for not being cooperative).  

As you know, before I worked for our great, great President, I was a prosecutor who was personally responsible for getting tons of prosecutes off the street.  Who knew?  Right? 

See if you can follow my logic, which I hardly can.  As my great friend and mentor, the great Professor Irwin Corey once said, “Life in its current form is both spectacular in its relative redundancy and yet, feels obtusely convoluted in it’s insultingly egregious attempt  to single-handedly reconstitute the generously sprinkled Baco-bits  to which all, but not most, Gods offer us, most duplicitously,  in the flowing and yet unconsciously flat fields of Rye.”

Collusion.  Right?  Thank you.  Collusion is not a crime. Collusion, by definition, is the secret or illegal cooperation or conspiracy, especially in order to cheat or deceive others.  Now if you remove the word “illegal” from the sentence, tell me this: where is the crime?  And exactly where did the word “illegal” come from?  I will tell you where: it was inserted by Robert Mueller, personally, while our great President was doing God’s work, which would be around the time that he personally addressed the local D.C. chapter of Mike Pence’s gay conversion ministry, with what some people unfairly called “brutal, inhuman psychological and times physical abuse.”  Ha! I personally know that they produced a wonderful production of “Annie,” which I have to say, moved me to tears, like an abandoned 2-year-old immigrant child who has not seen his parents in three months.   

By the way, President Trump contributed, from the money that he pocketed by renting out golf carts to the Secret Service, for a record 73 weekends, to the ministry, which is called Freedom Against Gays or FAG.  

So a big shout out to their great minister, Corky LaFontaine, who actually played the lead role in “Annie.”  I was confused: he sang, “ the son will come out tomorrow.,” Is that right?

The wall.  Are you kidding me?  What the hell is the big deal?  In Israel the wall is a holy shrine which people actually pray to and let me tell you something, we need one right here in America. My thought is that we privatize them and turn most of them into drive-in movie theaters, for the day hours, we make squash a national pastime, plus we can build huge walls out of the many millions of copies of The Art of the Deal which have been declared a fire hazard in a New Jersey warehouse.

And yes, of course, Michael Cohen, and I right?  First, the president had Roy Cohn who was the last of a breed, a truly great American, a fantastic tango dancer (I should know) a self-loathing homosexual, (no worries:  AIDS is God’s way of saying, “Gotcha”).  

That made our President a “Cohnhead” so naturally, he went right for Michael Cohen because frankly, Myron Cohen is dead and David Cone is C-o-n-e.   

Now it turns out that Michael, who has always been a liar, illegally recorded conversations with the President, which, you have to laugh, because Donald always thought that was what Obama did which he got directly from Alex Jones, who is another patriot, who, you know, believes that the whole Sandy Hook massacre was staged in order to take away guns.  I don’t know.  Frankly, I wasn’t there. 

I look around this lobby at all..two...of your faces and think: this is what tomorrow is going to look like. This is Trump’’s America.

Just yesterday, Donald yanked his wife Melania, against her will down that now legendary escalator (he had access to the same tranquilizers that Don Jr and Eric slip to animals on the Serengeti, so they could, you know, get a clean shot at a slow-moving target, which is, you know, The Trump interpretation of “fair game”). 

In a speech that rivaled the Gettysburg Address and Eichmann’s words at the Nuremberg Trial,  Donald declared that Mexicans were rapists, drug dealers and murderers based on zero statistics, because statistics, like global warming, Russian hacking and Ebola are all a totally made up thing. 

What we discovered on that great day is that truth, kindness, civility, decency, empathy, and law are for suckers.  They almost seem quaint now.

What America wanted and got was, like me, a serial cheater, who treated our Constitution the same way that he treats women: he doesn’t care why they created in the first place and does not give a shit about what they think or say or God forbid feel.  Because it’s not about them.  

It’s all about him.  

That is what it says on the Trump family crest. Not in Latin, but ironically in hostile and reactionary German.

It’s about what Trump wants, what Trump needs, what he gets to grab like America was his own personal swag bag.  Because, people, that is all he has ever known, so you have to cut the guy some serious slack.   The judge let off an underaged kid who killed a bunch of people with a car that he was illegally driving because he suffered from Affluenza.  

Why is this any different?

Trump has made it abundantly clear that he is willing to do for you what precisely what he does for himself.  

The only difference is, the presidency is going to make him rich beyond his wildest dreams and you, who believe that those tax cuts meant more money in your paycheck, are going to get nothing.  Why shouldn’t he get more?  He’s the president for God’s sake. And frankly, you’re not.

His tariffs, are going to wipe you out.  The national debt which now stands at 1 trillion dollars, is going to get paid for by wiping out Medicare and Social Security—even though you personally paid for it out of your own weekly salary.  Previously banned carcinogens are being used again in our waters and fields, why?  Because deregulation helps industry.  Cancer is just a by-product.  A possible, pesky little side effect.   Oh and health care?  I wouldn’t feel very secure about that.  As Jeff Sessions would suggest, take an aspirin.

When you tell me that Donald met with Russians, I say, so what?  He has been filling his condos with convicted Russian criminals for years.  When no bank in America would give him a bailout because of all the out of control debt that he had accumulated (for a big write off) on the backs of day laborers who he stiffed, who stepped up and saved him?  The Russians through Deutsche Bank!  

So when Putin asks him nicely to do a few things, like hire cabinet members to destroy their individual departments, again I say, so what?  Who cares?   When Trump allows them to hack into our voting process and put our entire democratic process in peril, or corrupt our social media in order to trick idiots into believing all the fake crap, that they plant, who cares?  Who is getting hurt here?  Not you.  Not me.  And definitely not him.  And let’s not forget that thanks to the Russians, no Hilary.  You’re welcome.

We needed a monster, class of 2018, and all I can say is thank God, he’s our monster, who operates exclusively on our behalf because patriotism today is all about self-entitlement.  Free speech today means: tell people of any color that is not yours, to get the hell out of your country while standing in line at Walmart. 

It’s all about your rights. Your needs.  Your anger.  Your inherent racism that was handed down from your parents and their parents before that.   

That is all you need to justify your behavior.

As President Trump has shown, you must be compassionate to every American, including White Nationalists and great men like Roy Moore, and Sheriff Joe Arpaio.   And don’t get me started on Trey Gowdy, Devon Nunes and the great, great Mitch McConnell who have all stood behind their President, protected him, while he’s under criminal investigation.   Mitch McConnell is the triple chin, Tammy Wynette in men’s clothes.  

And how brilliant is it that Brett Kavanaugh, who worked with Ken Starr IN the White House, to take down President Clinton, does not believe that a sitting president should even be investigated?  You have to sit back and admire how brilliant that is.  That is like handing your President, literally, a get out of jail card, while he continues to treat our country like his own personal Monopoly board.

It’s all a game, folks.  It’s called politics.  The Founding Fathers were slave owners.  The White House was built by them.

The flag says it all.  White and blue: for you.  Red for Russia.

So congratulations graduating class of 2018.   You went to the right school if you want to succeed in life.   Our next slogan: Hindsight is 2020—which are on all the banners which have already been printed in China.

You paid an obscene amount of only for virtually nothing, so the ultimate lesson has been learned.

As the great Republican P.J. O’Rourke once said, and I quote: “No drug, alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of our society.   If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power.”

And God bless America.